sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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