You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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