the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
