things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
