I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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