i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
