I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
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the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
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I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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