Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
