I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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