I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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