well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
