I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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