this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Are my feet made of real feet?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
