I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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