he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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