I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
