JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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