Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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