Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize