She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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