I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
