in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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