And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
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I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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