Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize