guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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