Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
