i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
