k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
