You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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