no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
