shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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