and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
