we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
