I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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