I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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