You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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