if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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