She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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