Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
