we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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