Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm like, not good at living.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
