dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
