I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I AM VODKA MAN
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
