I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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