I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
