Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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