How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
