Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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