I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
