This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
