Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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