Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
