apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
