i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
