my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
