Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
